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Feb. 24th, 2007 | 10:24 am
I'm really stressed out right now. I'm fluctuating between moments of dullness to moments of overwhelming emotion and tears. We had to take Kaoru to the vet yesterday because on Thursday he was in really bad condition. For the first time since he was diagnosed with Feline Lower Urinary Tract Disease, something was blocking his bladder. They've told me that the tests they've done so far have not came back very good. He has some kidney damage, and he still won't eat even though he's getting better. There's a pretty good chance he will pull through it all, but there's also a chance he becomes blocked again. They won't have results on what exactly is causing the blocking for a few more days. If he becomes blocked again, the vet has told me they may have to euthanize him unless they send him to the emergency clinic (which will cost anywhere from $500 - $800). His bill is already $400 at the current vet. It's really hard to accept, but I guess over time since he started having this problem I've began to accept it more and more that his days are probably numbered. I can't imagine things without him. And what's even more frustrating is that I have a double today and tomorrow. That's frustrating because if they have to euthanize him because he's in too much pain, then I won't even get to see him and say goodbye. Why is this happening to him? He's like the sweetest cat in the world. I feel like it's my fault for not taking better care of him.... or for even keeping him all to myself instead of finding him a GOOD home 5 yeas ago. It already feels weird not having him around for two whole days. And with a $400 bill whether he dies or not, I have no choice but to work. But it's been really hard to smile while I'm there. I'm not good at handling losses.... I don't want to lose him. I have to start getting ready for work, and thinking about all this is getting me too worked up anyways.